A pipe dream
Concerning a most curious account of the Malibu sewer saga of 1972
I have spent long hours stirring in the university archives, inspecting long-neglected pages, but never have I encountered a document more curious than Chronica pepperdinensis (“The Pepperdine Chronicles”), which attempts the whole history of that university in what we must call a ludicrous and archaizing prose. The narrative’s accuracy is in many places suspect, especially in the finer details, as its archaism reduces many modern amenities to obsolete and sometimes incongruous analogs: in the first chapter George Pepperdine is said to have been a seller of wagon wheels.
Despite the recency of its subject matter, the language resembles nothing more than Jacobean English, with the exception of certain place names relating to twentieth-century Southern California. I have also looked into an edition of the Chronicles rendered in a Latin seemingly modeled on Jerome’s Vulgate, replete with the most risible onomastic back-formations. The many contradictions of the Chronicles—from their stilted composition to the shameless anachronism of the entire project—make them difficult to describe.
In order to give you a taste, I have excerpted below a single page from the Chronicles’ record of the annus mirabilis of 1972 (with modernized spelling), concerning the construction of a sewer at Malibu. An image of the original follows. Victor Hugo tells us that the history of men is reflected in the history of sewers. If we can find Rome reflected in its cloacæ, or Paris in its égouts, perhaps too we can discern a reflection of Pepperdine in its sewer.
1 Now in those days the Malibuites, the inhabitants of the land, were wont to bury their filth in dungpits according to the customs of the heathen.1
2 But the men of Pepperdine buried not their dung, for they used in Vermont engines, invented by cunning men, to cleanse it from all filthiness.
3 And the elders of Pepperdine spake among themselves, saying, Come, let us build us an engine at Malibu to purify our dung and piss from all filthiness,
4 For the day draweth near when the children of Pepperdine shall enter into the land and whereunto shall go their dung?
5 Now there was in that place a certain people, named Alcoa, who sent a messenger unto Pepperdine.
6 And the messenger intreated the elders of Pepperdine, saying, Let us work together to build the engine, for we also seek to cleanse us from our filth.
7 And the elders of Pepperdine agreed to work together with the people of Alcoa to build the engine.
8 But as the day approached for the children of Pepperdine to be gathered in Malibu, the messenger of Alcoa came unto the elders of Pepperdine the second time.
9 Then said the messenger unto them, We will build together with you: but suffer us first to set our house in order, then we will perform what we have promised.
10 Now the men of Pepperdine saw that they were in a strait, for the day was drawing nigh when great multitudes would be gathered in Malibu, and they had yet no engine wherewith to purify their dung.
11 Then rose up one of the elders of Pepperdine, Banowsky the Tarrantite, and spake to the assembly of elders, saying, Let us dig us dungpits, as the Malibuites have done, for verily the day draweth nigh.
12 So the elders of Pepperdine sent a messenger to the overseers of that country, who managed all the publick affairs from Sequit to Sangabriel, to ask, May we dig us dungpits in Malibu and bury our dung as the heathen are wont to do?
13 But the overseers of the country devised against them to frustrate their purpose, saying, It must not be so done in our country. Else if ye do so, we will bring you unto the magistrate.
14 And when the elders of Pepperdine heard the word of the overseers, they fell upon their faces and were sore afraid, for there remained but four months until the coming of the multitudes and they had yet made no provision for their dung.
15 But Jerry the son of Hud arose in the assembly of the elders and said unto them, Lo, why are your countenances sad? Let us hire covered wagons to drive our dung unto Tapia, where there is a purifying engine.
16 And the elders reasoned among themselves for many days, whether to hire wagons to carry the dung unto Tapia, or no.
17 And it came to pass that the elders resolved not to hire wagons, for the cost thereof would be too great.
18 And as the day drew nigh, the elders were sore troubled in mind and much distressed.
19 Again Banowsky arose, saying unto the assembly, Come, let us build us one pipe to carry our dung to the engine at Tapia to purify it of all filthiness and another pipe to carry the purified water back to Malibu withal.
20 Now the engine at Tapia was from Malibu about twoscore furlongs over the mountains along the Calabash road, and there remained but two months until the day of visitation.
21 So the workmen of Pepperdine hasted and digged a trench wherein they buried two pipes hard by the way to Tapia: the one to carry dung to the purifying engine, and the other to carry purified water back to Malibu.
22 And this work was finished upon the fifteenth day of the eighth month.
23 And that year there were among the Malibuites some who vexed and oppressed the people of Pepperdine, but the LORD raised them up judges and delivered them out of the hand of their enemies.
24 And Banowsky the Tarrantite and Jerry the son of Hud, together with the assembly of elders, and all the children of Pepperdine sang a song of thanksgiving unto the LORD, who had delivered them.
“In diebus autem illis malibuitae habitatores regionis illius stercora in fossis sepelire consueverant secundum mores gentium.” I will omit the remaining Latin in the interest of space.
I have two pressing questions:
1) Where may one obtain a copy of this extraordinary document? Has it been digitized?
2) Who wrote this—and why?